I'm not very good at small talk, in most cases it makes me uncomfortable and awkward. I feel more at ease just sitting in silence, but my greatest desire is to go deep, far beyond the surface. I just haven't quite figured out how to bare my soul without making others go into flight mode. And then there's the fear factor, that human-size leech that just sucks the life out of everything.
I recently learned something more about fear: because of fear, I become the center of every relationship. No longer do I operate out of love, calling others towards their destinies, but instead through fear I use them to edify me.
So a few weeks ago a new little girl joined the one year old room. This being her first experience in a classroom type setting, it is a big change for her. In all of this transition, she deemed me the one she would screaming cry at until I picked her up. I had a difficult choice: I could act out in fear of what others would think and how this little one would think of me, or I could take a step back and look at the big picture, of what her destiny is at this time. If I held her all the time, I would become her crutch in this new environment and she would never experience it to its full potential - the interaction with her peers and exploration of the environment. So, I let her scream. Now, I'm not completely heartless, I did hold her and let her wipe her tear and snot on my should many times to calm her down, but sometimes there was nothing I could do but have those big blue eyes look at me and scream as she threw away the toys I set in front of her. Two weeks later she is beginning to engage in her environment and with her peers. She smiles and dances and plays on her own.
The ironic part of this story is that both of us are dealing with fear. Her's is fear of separation and mine is fear of acceptance. As I let go of my fear, I begin to recognize hers and call her out of it and into her destiny. When I step out of what is hindering me, I can see past the great big leech that is covering my eyes and recognize the other person needs and call them to God's promised abundance. And that's when going deep isn't so frightening.
